I've been battling a few things over the last few weeks. One of them being depression, which is weird for me. I am a total sanguine and to have sadness creep in feels almost like the enemy is winning. I have been praying for a closer walk with the Lord, but I prayed that it would be easy. This prayer is almost as dangerous as praying for patience. God gives us opportunities to grow, which means things get hard. But as a saving promise, He also says the He will be right there with me the whole time. Never letting me slip, holding me up when I can't stand anymore. Today felt like one of those times when I couldn't stand. Since September I have been battling my thoughts on pregnancy. We wanted to wait until after April to try to have another wee one in my tummy. God had other plans. I knew the day that I got pregnant. When you've been pregnant as many times as me, it almost becomes like a sixth sense. And it certainly wasn't in April... But something didn't feel right. And I have never had feelings like that. I continue on blissfully happy even though I know the statistics in my case are stacked against me. Well, with this recent pregnancy, in my heart it didn't feel right.
First, I felt extremely selfish. I was supposed to be due June 8th. I was scheduled to be a photographer at a distance wedding on the 18th of June. My bride as almost completely paid me and I desperately WANTED to shoot her wedding. Over the course of the last year, we've worked together numerous times and she has become a good friend to me. I wanted nothing to do with having to be forced to disappoint her if this baby was delayed. How selfish was that for me??? Losing as many children as I have and then being picky on the timing of another blessed miracle. Wow. It blew me away at my own sinfulness.
Second: I have known for about a month that this little one wasn't going to make it. It is something inside of you that crushes when you've come to terms with God about His plans and then He changes them on you. I was angry. I was sad. And I was a little more angry. Today was that day that I have been dreading. When my body realizes that the baby is no longer alive and goes into the mode of cleansing itself. Its hard and its sad. And this time it was even scary. But, I refused to use medical intervention for things like this on the frequent chance that doctors in all their worldly wisdom, are wrong. I was told my little Serious was not going to make it either. And I have a precious one year old right now that is napping in her room. My God is bigger.
So, in what I have learned through the last few months is this: don't let yourself be overcome by the events of the world. When time tables and deadlines have you scurrying around, hide yourself in a closet and quiet your soul with the God above. And then also have patience with yourself and allow for God to touch those dark places in your heart that you don't let anyone see. And celebrate life in every sense.